Cogito Ergo Sum.

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Location: Mumbai, India

I am much more than what meets the eye!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Height of...!

Coincidence…
Your father and your mother got married on the same day!

Stupidity…

Two sardarji fighting for a window seat on a scooter!

Rudeness…

Man going on a honeymoon without his wife!

Computerization…

A girl drowning in a swimming pool and shouting F1 F1!

Idiocy…

Two people fighting to look through the key hole of a glass door!

Stupidity…
Trying to find the corner of a round room!

Minuteness…
A pimple on the dimple on the right cheek of a red ant!

Inquisitiveness…

Man peeping in a bike's tank with a matchstick to see if there is petrol left in it...

Dehydration...

A cow giving milk powder!

Fashion…

A dhoti with a zipper!

Urgency…

Unzipping before entering a public toilet!

Oblivion…

Forgetting to unzip b4 peeing!

Honesty…

Pregnant woman buying one and a half tickets while travelling in the bus!

Speed…

U running after yourself around a table until U can touch yourself on your own back!

Bravery…

Trying to fart when u have got loose motions!

Laziness…

Shiting on the sea shore, waiting for tsunami to clean up!

Suicide…

A dwarf trying to jump and die from a footpath!

Patriotism…
A Khadi condom!


Mixed Emotions…
When your mother in law falls from 7th floor on your new Mercedes!

Flirting…

When writing a love letter you start it with...‘to whomsoever it may concern’.

Patriotism…

Sitting on a western commode in the Indian way!

Friendship…

Santa committing suicide, because his wife ran away with his friend and he cannot live with out HIM!

Honesty…

A Doctor writing a death certificate and signing with his name in the cause of the death column!

Confusion…

Standing in front of mirror and thinking who the other person is!

Secrecy…?

Offering blank visiting cards!

Active-laziness…

Hiring somebody for your own morning walk!

Laziness…

Adopting a child!

Surprise…

Crack 1,00,00,000 Sardars’ Skulls and u find a BRAIN in one of them!

Professionalism / Misery…

A Doctor calling her nurse wife ‘sister’ in the hospital.

Optimism…

A person who fell into a river...Started taking bath in it!

Secularism…

A Christian lady offering her seat (Prime Minister’s) to a Sikh, under a Muslim president, in a Hindu country.

Miserliness…

A Sardar giving missed call to customer care!

Confusion…

Two earthworms having sex in pot of noodles!

Secrecy…?

Won't tell!

Craziness…

Getting a blank paper Xeroxed.

Forgetfulness...

Seeing the mirror and trying to recollect when you saw him / her last.

Screwed up Shit…

PLUTO being stripped off the planetary status!

Hopefulness…

Not creating an email id, and yet expecting some emails.

Frustration…

MISS WORLD selling herself for Rs. 10 when you have only Rs. 9 in your pocket!

Isolation…
Two persons sitting side by side using emails to communicate with each other.


Cowardice…
Two persons fighting through emails.


Helplessness…
Receiving no emails for a week.


Frustration…
The email server being down.

Carelessness…
Writing a love mail and doing a 'Send All'.


Achievement…
A person sending email to a girl wanting to become friends and getting a reply.


Timepass…
A person sending email to himself!


Expectation…
Sending Indian cricket team an e-mail, wishing them to win a match!


Repetition…
Forwarding an email to someone and receiving the same email forwarded back!


Friendship…
I am always mailing you even though you don't.

Laziness…

A man marrying a Pregnant Woman!

Conspiracy…

A man coming out of a Condom Factory with a Needle in his hand.

Ambition…

An ant climbing on an elephant's leg with the intention to rape!

Egoism…
Talking to oneself in the mirror!

Laziness…

Using a treadmill to give your dog a walk…while you sit on a couch watching TV!

Complaints…

The waiter serves u chicken soup n u say ‘Hey waiter there is a dead chicken in ma soup’.

Possessiveness…

Constipation!

Sardars…

Sardars quitting table tennis match due to heavy rain and bad weather!

Entrepreneurship…

Planning to b an entrepreneur…Here r few tips 4 U!

Signage on a famous beauty parlour window:
Don't whistle at the girl going out from here…She may be your Grandmother!

Advertisement @ d Music Shop:
Guitar, for sale...cheap...no strings attached.

Signage in a bar:
"Those drinking to forget... Please pay in advance".

Occupations!

MayB U may wanna check wot u actually do in my eyes...

Accountant - Someone who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor - Someone who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker - The fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it back the minute it begins to rain. (Mark Twain)

Economist - An expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

Statistician - Someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

Actuary - Someone who brings a fake bomb on a plane, because that decreases the chances that there will be another bomb on the plane.

Programmer - Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.

Mathematician - A blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat which isn’t there.

Lawyer - A person who writes a 10,000 word document and calls it a ‘brief’.

Psychologist - A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.

Schoolteacher - A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Consultant - Someone who takes the watch off your wrist and tells you the time.

Diplomat - Someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Think B4 U upgrade!

People! in response to my post on marriage I have been receiving enormous responses. I think I’hv touched a nerve deep inside u or may be as some of u said u liked the way it has been presented. Pretty straight forward Right! Anyhow Thank U V Much!
Of the many responses received by me this one was very peculiar, I thought I should post this also for readers to follow closely…

Girlfriend 5.0 to Wife 1.0


MAIL from USER after a few Months itself!

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Dear Tech Support Team:

Last year I upgraded from ‘Girlfriend 5.0’ to ‘Wife 1.0’. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child-processes that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition, 'Wife 1.0' installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activities.

Applications such as ‘BachelorNights 10.3’, ‘Cricket 5.0’, ‘BeerWithBuddies 7.5’, and ‘Outings 3.6’ no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. It seems I can’t keep ‘Wife 1.0’ in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.

I'm thinking about going back to ‘Girlfriend 5.0’, but the 'uninstall' doesn't work on ‘Wife 1.0’.

Please help!

Thanks,
"A Troubled User"

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REPLY:

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dear Troubled User:

This is a very common problem that people complain about. Many people upgrade from ‘Girlfriend 5.0’ to ‘Wife 1.0’, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program.

‘Wife 1.0’ is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete ‘Wife 1.0’ and to return to ‘Girlfriend 5.0’. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to ‘Girlfriend 5.0’ because ‘Wife 1.0’ is designed not to allow this.
(Look in your ‘Wife 1.0’ Manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support)

I recommend that you keep ‘Wife1.0’ and work on improving the environment. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear 9.9" to alleviate software augmentation. The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.

’Wife 1.0’ is a great program, but it tends to be very high on maintenance. ‘Wife 1.0’ comes with several support programs, such as ‘Clean 2.5’, ‘Sweep 3.0’, ‘Cook 1.5’ and ‘DoLaundry 4.2’. However, be very careful how you use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program ‘NagNag 9.5’. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of ‘Wife 1.0’ is to purchase additional software. I recommend ‘Sarees 2.1’ and ‘Jewellery 5.0’.

STATUTORY WARNING: DO NOT, under any circumstances, install ‘SecretaryWithShortSkirt 3.3’. This application is not supported by ‘Wife 1.0’ and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.

So Best of Luck with your new system.

With hoards of Apologies & Regrets on not being of much use against this system, of which I also am a part now,
Chic

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”Any resemblance to the incidence or any person living or dead mentioned here, may purely be a matter of coincidence and the author doesn’t claim any rights on it”.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Just a fact!

Just some facts you may not have known till now…

1. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

2. The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

3. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

4. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

5. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!!

6. You can't kill yourself by holding your breath. (Hint to all those were planning 4 a suicide)

7. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

8. People say "Bless you" when you sneeze because when you sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.

9. The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the toughest tongue twister in the English language.

10. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

11. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from history.
Spades - King David,
Clubs - Alexander the Great,
Hearts - Charlemagne,
Diamonds - Julius Caesar.

12. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze, you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

13. If a statue of a person in the park on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

14. Question: What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?
Answer: All invented by women.
Question: This is the only food that doesn't get spoiled forever. What is this?
Answer: Honey.

15. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

16. A snail can sleep for three years.

17. All polar bears are left handed.

18. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

19. Butterflies taste with their feet.

20. Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.

21. In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

22. On an average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

23. Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

24. ‘Stewardesses’ is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

25. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

26. Ants don't sleep.

27. Owls have eyeballs that are tubular in shape, because of this, they cannot move their eyes.

28. A bird requires more food in proportion to its size than a baby or a cat.

29. The mouse is the most common mammal in the US.

30. A newborn kangaroo is about 1 inch in length.

31. A cow gives nearly 200,000 glasses of milk in her lifetime.

32. The Canary Islands were not named for a bird called a canary. They were named after a breed of large dogs.
The Latin name was Canariae insulae - "Island of Dogs."

33. There are 701 types of pure breed dogs.

34. A polecat is not a cat. It is a nocturnal European weasel.

35. Tapeworms range in size from about 0.04 inch to more than 50 feet in length.

36. A baby bat is called a pup.

37. German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.

38. A female mackerel lays about 500,000 eggs at one time.

39. It takes 35 to 65 minks to produce the average mink coat. The numbers for other types of fur coats are:
beaver – 15
fox - 15 to 25
ermine – 150
chinchilla - 60 to 100.

40. The animal responsible for the most human deaths world-wide is the mosquito.

41. The biggest pig in recorded history was Big Boy of Black Mountain, North Carolina, who was weighed at 1,904 pounds in 1939.

42. Cats respond most readily to names that end in an "ee" sound.

43. A cat cannot see directly under its nose. This is why the cat doesn’t seem to find tidbits on the floor.

44. Pigs, walruses and light-colored horses can be sunburned.

45. Snakes are immune to their own poison.

46. An iguana can stay under water for 28 minutes.

47. Cats have more than one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.

48. The biggest member of the cat family is the male lion, which weighs 528 pounds (240 kilograms).

49. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over a million descendants.

50. Each day in the US, animal shelters are forced to destroy 30,000 dogs and cats.

51. A shrimp's heart is in their head.

52. A pregnant goldfish is called a twit.

53. A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.

54. The cat lover is an ailurophile, while a cat hater is an ailurophobe.

55. A woodpecker can peck twenty times a second.

56. It may take longer than two days for a chick to break out of its shell.

57. Dragonflies are one of the fastest insects, flying 50 to 60 mph.

58. Despite man's fear and hatred of the wolf, it has not ever been proved that a non-rabid wolf ever attacked a human.

59. There are more than 100 million dogs and cats in the United States.

60. Americans spend more than 5.4 billion dollars on their pets each year.

61. Cat's urine glows under a black light.

62. The largest cockroach on record is one measured at 3.81 inches in length.

63. It is estimated that a single toad may catch and eat as many as 10,000 insects in the course of a summer.

64. Amphibians’ eyes come in a variety shapes and sizes. Some even have square or heart-shaped pupils.

65. It would require an average of 18 hummingbirds to weigh in at 1 ounce.

66. Dogs that do not tolerate small children well are:
St. Bernard,
Old English sheep dog,
Alaskan malamute,
Bull terrier and
Toy poodle.

67. Moles are able to tunnel through 300 feet of earth in a day.

68. Howler monkeys are the noisiest land animals. Their calls can be heard over 2 miles away.

69. A quarter of the horses in the US died of a vast virus epidemic in 1872.

70. The fastest bird is the Spine-tailed swift, clocked at speeds of up to 220 miles per hour.

71. There is no single cat called the panther. The name is commonly applied to the leopard, but it is also used to refer to the puma and the jaguar. A black panther is really a black leopard. A capon is a castrated rooster.

72. The world's largest rodent is the Capybara.

73. Amazon water hog that looks like a guinea pig, it can weigh more than 100 pounds.

74. The poison-arrow frog has enough poison to kill about 2,200 people.

75. The hummingbird, the loon, the swift, the kingfisher, and the grebe are all birds that cannot walk.

76. The poisonous copperhead snake smells like fresh cut cucumbers.

77. A chameleon's tongue is twice the length of its body.

78. Worker ants may live seven years and the queen may live as long as 15 years.

79. The blood of mammals is red, the blood of insects is yellow, and the blood of lobsters is blue.

80. Cheetah makes a chirping sound that is much like a bird's chirp or a dog's yelp. The sound is so an intense, it can be heard a mile away.

81. The underside of a horse's hoof is called a frog. The frog peels off several times a year with new growth.

82. The bloodhound is the only animal whose evidence is admissible in an American court.

83. 98% of brown bears in the United States are in Alaska.

84. Before air conditioning was invented, white cotton slipcovers were put on furniture to keep the air cool.

85. The Barbie doll has more than 80 careers.

86. To make one pound of whole milk cheese, 10 pounds of whole milk is needed.

87. 99% of pumpkins that are sold are used for decoration.

88. Every 30 seconds a house fire doubles in size.

89. The month of December is the most popular month for weddings in the Philippines.

90. A one ounce milk chocolate bar has 6 mg of caffeine.

91. Carbon monoxide can kill a person in less than 15 minutes.

92. The largest ever hailstone weighed over 1kg and fell in Bangladesh in 1986.

93. In Belgium, there is a museum that is just for strawberries.

94. The sense of smell of an ant is just as good as a dog's.

95. Popped popcorn should be stored in the freezer or refrigerator as this way it can stay crunchy for up to three weeks.

96. Coca-Cola was originally green.

97. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

98. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

99. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

100. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

101. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

102. Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!

Even though the facts are always universal in nature, still I don’t claim the entire credit of accumulating them here for your consumption, nor would I be interested in debating their accuracy or existence at all!…
Any addition to these facts from u’r side, may go into the comments!

Bell the CAT!

Learn from others mistake bcoz u’r own life is not big enough to commit all the mistakes that people can make.

I am now giving you my experience from two unsuccessful attempts of mine at CAT (95.48 percentile in CAT-2004, with 99.38 percentile in Quant & 96.48 percentile in CAT-2003, with 99.99 percentile in Quant, yet leading to no selection to the prestigious IIMs)…Offcourse on the lighter side.

CAT Student vs. Normal Person

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NORMAL PERSON: No not walk on the grass.
CAT
STUDENT: Refrain from perambulating from the green growing carpet.

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NORMAL PERSON:
People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.
CAT
STUDENT: Individuals who make their abodes in vitreous edifices would be advised to refrain from catapulting perilous projectiles.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON: All that glitters is not gold.
CAT STUDENT: All articles that coruscate with resplendence are not truly auriferous.

*******************************************************
NORMAL PERSON: Beggars are not choosers
CAT STUDENT: Sorting on the part of mendicants must be interdicted.

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NORMAL PERSON: Twinkle, twinkle, little star…
CAT STUDENT: Scintillate, scintillate, asteroid minim…

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NORMAL PERSON: Dead men tell no tales
CAT STUDENT: Male cadavers are incapable of rendering any testimony.

*******************************************************


Height of circumlocution…isn’t it?...What say?

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Just Married! And they lived happily ever after...

Off-late people have been asking me; Hows a married life?
(As I'm now experienced in this trait also...)
Here's what I have to say…..


1. Marriage is not a word.
It's a sentence (a life sentence).

2. Marriage is love. Love is blind.
Therefore marriage is an institution for the blind.

3. Marriage is an institution in which a man loses his Bachelor's Degree
And the woman gets her masters.

4. Marriage is a three-ring circus:
engagement ring, wedding ring and suffering.

5. Married life is full of excitement and frustration:
In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
In the third year, they both speak and the NEIGHBOUR listens.

6. Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want, and when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that instead.

7. There was this man who muttered a few words in the church and found himself married.
A year later he muttered something in his sleep and found himself divorced.

8. A happy marriage is a matter of giving and taking;
The husband gives and the wife takes.

9. Son: How much does it cost to get married, Dad?
Father: I don't know son, I'm still paying for it.

10. Son: Is it true Dad? I heard that in ancient China, a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her.
Father: That happens everywhere, son, EVERYWHERE!

11. Love is one long sweet dream,
And marriage is the alarm clock.

12. They say that when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love;
After marriage it is self-defense.

13. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why.
But when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

14. There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her.
They got married, and now he is going through HELL.

16. When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to
Let him keep her.

17. Eighty percent of married men cheat in America,
The rest cheat in Europe.

18. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin.
They just can't face each other, but they still stay together.

19. Marriage is man and a woman becoming one.
The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

20. Before marriage, a man yearns for the woman he loves.
After the marriage the "Y" becomes silent.

21. I married Miss right;
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

22. It's not true that married men live longer than single men;
It only seems longer.

23. Losing a wife can be hard. In my case;
It was almost impossible.

24. A man was complaining to a friend: I had it all – Money, a Beautiful House, the Love of a Beautiful Woman;
& then Pow! It was all gone!
What Happened, asked his friend. He says - MY WIFE FOUND IT ALL.

25. WIFE: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
HUSBAND: OK, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway lights on.

26. At a cocktail party, one woman said to another; Aren’t you wearing your ring on the wrong finger?
The other replied; Yes I am married to the wrong man.

27. Man is incomplete until he gets married,
& then he is finished.

28. It doesn't matter how often a married man changes his job,
He still ends up with the same boss.

29. A man inserted an ad in the paper - WIFE WANTED.
The next day he received a hundred of letters and they all said the same thing – YOU CAN HAVE MINE.

30. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing –
Either the car is new or the wife is!

So if you are thinking of marriage take some time and better decide again and if you have already committed the mistake then don’t blame me for not enlightening you earlier.

Once bitten; forever remembered!